Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Jesus Was Cool (So Why Aren't You?)

Hey friends. Long time, no post . . . I know. It's been up and down the last two weeks or so, but I'm in a much better frame of mind today, and ready to get back to blogging for your entertainment. I see there is nine of you now (though I think two of you are actually CJ, but thanks for inflating my numbers!), so feel free to let other people know about this thing.

For your perusal today, I have two wildly disparate topics which I will condense into one giant-size blog post, to make up for my long delay. You're welcome.

The genesis of what I'm going to talk about today comes from a late night Skype chat with the lovely Miss Hyde, currently holding it down in lovely Jew-maica, whom you can find over at http://wagwanjamaica.blogspot.com/. It was her idea to take these elements of our chat and blog about them, so if you are offended - feel free to fill her inbox with spam and hate-filled emails. She loves that kind of thing. (But seriously, don't do that. She'll cut me.)

As we talked yesterday, one of the topics that came up was the inherent differences between men and women. Clearly, this topic could fill up three hundred billion books (and has, seemingly), but what I was focused on specifically was our physical differences. I had to ask a woman just what was appealing about men, in any way, shape or form? We're gross. It's just science.

We bantered back and forth about it for a bit, until I unleashed my secret weapon. Shorts. I now postulate to the rest of you - is there anything LESS attractive in the history of the planet and the people on it than a man wearing any kind of shorts? An example after the jump (this is your chance to bail out now, if you need to. I understand).

See what I mean? Just terrible.

Okay, so I found pretty much the worst picture of a man in shorts that was available on the internet. I can't imagine a better way to prove my point, though. Just LOOK at the guy. He went outside like that, where people could see him and take his picture. I just don't understand for the love of all that is holy WHY.

Now, think about a woman wearing shorts. Any woman. It doesn't have to be Gisele Bundchen or Mila Kunis or whoever Cosmo says is the prettiest one this week. Barring physical extremes or deformities, the female leg is shapely, proportional, and most importantly - hairless. It pretty much says to the world, "Hey world, check me out. I'm pretty sweet and lead somewhere even better." Ahem. I digress.

So, that's pretty much my theory. Women are softer, sweeter, and smell better. Us men have none of the above going for us, so why don't we do the whole world a favor and wear pants, for chrissakes? I know it gets hot during the summer, but a little discomfort is a small price to pay for not making the rest of the world want to poke their eyes out with a sharpened toothbrush. Thank you in advance for your support!

That rant came about from my description of the time I spent in Texas, specifically of all the things I will never, ever miss. Dudes in shorts is the absolute top spot on the list, but running almost neck and neck with that visual abomination was the evangelical Christians of Texas. I know plenty of people who are Christian, so before you get out the hammer and nails (sorry, sorry . . . I HAD to), I am likely not talking about you.

I think most people of the core faiths are pretty similar, overall. You go about your daily lives, struggle to better yourselves and provide for the family, and you generally try to live by the important rules in your respective Manual of Religious Expression and Thought. Those rules themselves generally all boil down to the Wyld Stallions Rule: "Be Excellent To Each Other". I can get down with that, though I am of no faith or creed.

In speaking with Miss Hyde, who is Jewish, and the night before having spent time at my friend Ben's house and speaking with him and his parents (who are Jewish as well) and Kashif (my Muslim guitar player), it occured to me that of all the faiths, I find that Christians are far and away the most arrogant. Sorry, it's true. It's not all of you. It's just that the obnoxious ones far and away lead the Obnoxious Religious Guy Parade right down Main Street, USA.

I have never been told by a Jew or a Muslim that I am going to Hell. From what I understand, they don't believe in it. . . . because it's fucking STUPID. You don't get to have an all-loving, all-forgiving God that casts you down into a pit of fire, to burn for all eternity, for EATING MEAT ON FRIDAY. Do not pass Gaililee, do not collect 200 shekels.

I have never had a Jew or a Muslim come to my door, while I am trying to do something important like read to my kids, cook dinner, or watch all the porn on the Internet blog about my life. I have never answered the door to have a nattily-dressed pair of Jews or Muslims (usually one older and one younger, which makes me think it's not just the Catholics, if you know what I'm saying) very earnestly tell me that if I don't subscribe to a very specific way of thinking, I will go to hell with the Friday meat-eaters and the Take-the-name-in-vain'ers and the American Idol-worshippers (See what I did there? A little Commandment humor. Try the veal). 

American Muslims and Jews have not tried to create the myth that our Founding Fathers were hardcore religious warriors carving out a new country for God/Allah/Howard The Duck, and to prove that theory, remove the loudest anti-religious of them from the textbooks in the schools. Yep. Texas did that. They also decided to gloss over 200 years of slavery, but hey . . . that's a different post.

I have never seen a Jew or a Muslim on my TV telling me that if I send them a thousand dollars RIGHT NOW, I will get a spot on one of the best benches in Heaven, presumably next to Jesus, Moses, Frank Sinatra, Judy Garland, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Dominic the Christmas Donkey. They just don't do it. The Jews that take my money sold me my engagement ring, and then handle my divorce in court (well played, Jews! Nice combo move!) and the Muslims that take my money drive me around Manhattan and sell me fifteen-dollar cigarettes (Well played, Muslims!).

Okay, that was Stereotype Central. But hey, I've been teeing off on Christians for like twenty minutes now. Stop crying.

So, leave me a comment and let me know if you agree or disagree. But consider this . . . Jesus did not hate gays or think war was cool. He also didn't ask for money or ride around on a bicycle telling you how wrong you are, or that you would suffer for eternity if you disagreed with his philosophies (way cool as they were, Wyld Stallions ROCK!). But perhaps most importantly of all . . . . he lived in the Middle East, hung around in the desert sun, and he DID NOT WEAR FUCKING SHORTS. Buy some slacks, asshole!

Ahem. Thank you. Au revoir.


  1. 1. I am not wearing jeans in 95-degree weather. Unless it's below 32, I am not playing soccer in long pants. Jog on, mate. :)
    1a. Choosing that guy to make your point is like saying people shouldn't have children because Joseph Stalin was 8 months old once.

    2. This: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/04/hitchens-201004

    3. And yesterday's Daily Show with the War on Christmas bit.

    4. Well done specifying American Muslims/Jews...takes away the problematic Israel/Palestine/Al-Qaeda/Ireland arguments.

    5. I actually just thought of the Wyld Stallions thing last night. I'll tell you the circumstances later.

  2. Honestly, this blog post was crap. I will agree that most men should not wear shorts, but half the women out there should not either (and not all women who decide to wear shorts decide to also shave their legs - true story). As for lumping Christians together (Jehovah Witnesses, Evangelicals and Quakers), it is like saying the Shiites and Sunnis are the same type of Muslim. Why don't you just say all Americans are overweight bible thumpers who are willing to knock down your door to spread their beliefs and you can end your post after two paragraphs?

  3. Oops. Someone's fee-fees got hurt...

  4. no. i just disagree.

  5. I think NO MAN, including Richard Simmons, should wear short shorts. Basketball shorts and khaki shorts are acceptable, when they reach the knees. Denim shorts looks awful on ALL men, no matter the brand or the length. But I prefer Padawan in jeans. And men are warm, firm, and generally smell good. Or at least the men I spend a lot of time with are warm, firm, and smell good. I don't know what kind of men you hang around, but if they smell bad you need some new friends. Ones that smell nice. And Jesus wore a white dress.

    As far as Christians go, I was raised to be good Southern Baptist. Ever been to one of their churches? They told me that if I danced I would go to Hell. Apparently, it's a sin. So I don't really hold much with Religion. Though I have been told by a Muslim to "get behind a veil where you belong," (which I think that was more of a sexist comment as opposed to a religious one) I've never had one tell me I was going to hell for dancing. Neither has a Jew. But as far as Jewish people go...I love the Jewish nose on a man. *sigh* It's so handsome.

  6. I addressed some of this on Facebook, but to open the discourse here:

    1. The purpose of this blog, ultimately, is to make observations about things I find humorous or interesting. I'm not writing a thesis here.

    2. I couldn't have been more demonstrative that not all Christians are like this if I tried. I spent like a paragraph and a half making that clear.

    3. I think the number one way to avoid fundamentalism and stasis of thought is to laugh at yourself. When you can't, you need to examine why that is, and what is so special about your beliefs (or how you look in shorts) that is above reproach or gentle mockery.

    4. Regarding the point you made on Facebook, yes - Christians are the most populous religious bloc in America, and thus have a higher amount of stupid people. But just because the Jews and Muslims don't have as deep of a bench doesn't mean the problem is proportional. They just don't knock on doors or try to stuff a pamphlet in your hand on the subway. That shit is undeniable.

  7. Chanel?

    You tell that ahole that the prophets wife aisha told people yo take a hike when they tried to veil her and that he should take a long walk off a short pier.

    Pat, Muslims believe in heaven hell but people go there based on their personal piety and not religion. Muslims can be evil too and they are subject to hell. Case in point. O bin bin.

  8. Christians do not have a monopoly on stupidity and ignorance. I think we notice it more however, because of where we happen to live (and moreso in TX). I'm sure if you lived in Iran, you'd probably be more upset about the violent, willfully ignorant theocracy. Similarly, I find myself taking offense when an Orthodox Jew refuses to shake my wife's hand because she might taint him.

    The founders of religions are often amazing men, but they cannot account for their followers. Extremists of any creed are annoying at best, dangerous at worst.

    Just like shorts on men.

  9. Hah, nicely done, Dave!

    I know that all of the religions great and small have their own particular breeds of extremism and idiocy. I never meant for this to be a crushing victory for Christianity in the Sweepstakes of Stupid.

    I just think that in America, with the experiences that we all have daily, Christians that cross the line from being "normal churchgoer" into "allow me to invade your personal space with my nonsense guy" are far more prolific and annoying than "Jew who won't shake a woman's hand" guy.

  10. Yeah, I don't know why there's two of me that follow you. Double your pleasure, double your fun, I guess.
    I personally vote for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
    Men should only wear Daisy Dukes if I'm allowed to sac tap them with a hockey stick.
    I would like to order one of those warm, firm, and smell good men from Chanel.
    And I love Sean because he said 'fee-fees'.

  11. The founding fathers as evangelicals myth is the most infuriating...for every pious quote they can cherry pick from some solicitation to their constituancy, theres a dozen scandelous ones even by contemporary standards. George Washington refused to attend mass when they demanded he bow, Jefferson released a version of the new testament w/all referances to god removed etc. etc.